i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
