I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
