Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
