We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
