This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
