haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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