Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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