He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
