Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
