I feel like abortions should bother me more
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
