It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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