dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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