I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
