i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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