I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
