I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
