I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
