Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
