No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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