The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
