dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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