Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
