I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
