That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
