I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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