I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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