Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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