Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
