Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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