I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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