I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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