After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
