i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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