What did we do last night that was yellow?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
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Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
there is puke in my bra ... again
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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