Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
