Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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