So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
