Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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