Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
