Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
