All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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