I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
