I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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