I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm passing your future prison.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
