On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
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Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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