My room smells like vodka and shame
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
