and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
