He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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