I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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