One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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