I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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