I accidentally had phone sex last night
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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