If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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