thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
