then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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