My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
