I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I smell like Dick and happiness
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
