i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
