My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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