The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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