I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
