filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
